There’s a Snake in my Boot!

Today as I was walking across the yard, my mother ran out screaming after me. At first, I thought maybe I had accidentally created an irredeemable disaster (like burning the house down), but then she started to call “You have to help me! Snake!” Turns out there was a snake in our bathroom.

I raced into the house to find her standing near the bathroom doorway yelling “Spit! SPIT! It’s gone! We’re never going to find it! I can’t do snakes!” Meanwhile, I am looking over her shoulder and spot the snake under the shower curtain. I state this in my most calm & soothing voice - I have never seem my mother’s eyes so wide before. “Hey Mom? It’s actually right over there. See? Under the shower curtain.” My mother immediately starts shouting orders. “Use the rug to block the laundry room. It might also try to go under the sink! Quick! [Pause] I don’t know what to do! How do you catch a snake?” I start following the orders that make sense keeping my eyes on the snake who is only moving ever so slightly.

After blocking the laundry room, I go over to the snake to try to see if it’s safe to pick it up. It’s not that I either like or fear snakes; it’s just that I’m cautious until I know what sort of snake it is - the same caution I would have with a barking dog. In my head, I am rehearsing all the random knowledge I have gained over the years from children’s encyclopedias, nature camps, juvenile science magazines, and life & science museums.

1. Most poisonous snakes in North Carolina are so tiny that their mouths are not large enough to bite humans. This snake is somewhat large.
   
   
2. Most poisonous snakes have a triangular head, but this snake has a round head - however, remember there are exceptions to this rule.
   
   
3. Cobras don’t live in North America.
   
   
4. It’s obviously not a rattlesnake.
   
   
5. It seems to be slow moving and trying to hide. When I move items away from it, it shrinks closer to the wall as to get away from me.

Finally I decided to go for it. I turn to my mother and tell her that it’s ok that she doesn’t like snakes, but I need her to be calm and move towards the snake if it tries to go under the sink cabinet, that I will need some back up, can she do this. In all honesty, I don’t really wait for her response. I grab a hand town from the cabinet since I don’t have gloves nor am I going to leave my mother with the snake to find gloves. I grab the snake. Success! Not bad at all!

I tell my mother who is not moving, “Quick! Go open the door!” and off she runs. Then I realize that the towel idea was ok, but had one fatal flaw - that is that the snake could slide out of my grip pretty easily and I was a little afraid of squashing it. So, I catch it and it slithers out. I catch it and it slithers out. I catch it and it slithers out. All the while, I am calmly projecting “Mom? I need to come here. Mom? Mom? Can you please come here? Mom? MOM!!” And she comes running in with her eyebrows hidden in her hairline.

I switch back to using my calm, chanting, this-is-totally-normal voice. “This is not working. [Catch snake.] I think I need... [Catch snake.] I need a bucket. [Loose snake!]” My mother shrieks and runs out of the room, turns around and runs right back in. Meanwhile the snake slithers under the dog’s crate and somehow I understand that it has found what it wants and that it’s not going anywhere. “I need a bucket, Mom.” Calm, peaceful chanting again.

She brings me an empty trash can and I start to move the crate. “Mom,” I say very purposefully & soothingly, “the snake is scared and it’s hiding. I need you to move very, very slowly so we don’t scare it. It’ll be ok.” I move the crate and there is the poor snake all knotted up like a garlic knot trying to be inconspicuous. I carefully place the towel over the snake and it doesn’t move. Both the snake and I are relieved - it has darkness and I now am absolutely sure that it’s not going anywhere. I slowly and gingerly lift it, still in the towel, to a chorus of “Careful! Careful!” However, the snake and I have come to an understanding - as proof, it barely stirs. I put snake and towel into the trash can and the snake doesn’t move. It’s all good.

“What are we going to do now?!? What are we going to do?!?” So it turns out some of us are still not “all good.” I inform my mother that we are going to take the snake outside slowly so we do not startle it and this will be the end of the snake. I commanded to not to release it any closer to the house that the road (which is about as far from the house as a football pitch is long.) I walk to the ditch, turn the trash can onto its side, and inform the snake that its all right to go. It slithers off while I admire it’s black & brown diamond design and its yellow belly.

Then I go into my house and inform my mother (who is very animatedly recounting the whole incident to my father on a cell phone) that I am a true believer as is proved by my snake handling. I knew it was ok to leave for work when she found this funny.

However, I did jump ever so slightly when I picked up my backpack to find....a dog leash all curled up underneath it.

You Know You're Tired....

...when you think getting stuck in an elevator might be nice.
...when you sign your name twice to an email.
...when you forget to make coffee.

Of course, these all happened on separate days.

Oh the Girls All Dance with the Boys from the City

On my drive into work, there is this one field which is always covered with Brown-Eyed Susan’s. It’s actually quite stunning – think about a smaller version of the fields of sunflowers you see in the French countryside. Anyway, there are almost no Brown-Eyed Susan’s, just a plain ol’green field of weeds. However, I noticed this morning that a quarter mile away, on the same side of the road, there is a field bursting with yellow that I’ve completely been missing because I’ve been wallowing in my disappointment over the first field. Maybe there is a metaphor here.

On the same drive into town, I also drove past two turkeys greeting a peacock. Seriously. I must admit that in all my country driving I have never once seen a peacock strolling down the side of the road – Chickens? Yes. Peacocks? No. – yet there it was, as blue as smurf, with that odd feather poking off the top of its head. Simply amazing!

The Weight of Being Loved

I think one of the scariest looks I have ever received is that completely open look that a child gives you when he/she totally adores you and would trust you in anything. You actually see the heart sitting right there on their shoulders and you are never more thankful to be a decent person.

I guess I see it as a call to be better than I actually am – to not overly beat myself when I make mistakes, to be gracious to everyone who comes near me, to remember that there is a loving God who controls my fate – because, to a child who adores you, you set the bar. The child will remember that you snapped at your mother on the phone or panicked when you spilt the milk or worried too much the other night or didn’t have time to play. Really, it’s not so much that I feel as if I must be perfect, because the child will never be perfect. – It’s more how I react to my imperfections.

Fortunately, when a child runs to you adoringly, they are so blinded by love that they don’t notice if you tear up or if you point to your chest whispering, “Who? Me?” They don’t see your moment by moment resolve to be found worthy. They only see that you smile when they come near and they scamper way not seeing the weight they have left in their wake.

But it’s a weight that I would never ask to be removed.

Ahh....

This is to sing the praises of my new Aladdin Stanley Thermos.

My coffee, made at 7:00 a.m., is still piping hot as it approaches noon.

No Laughing Matter

I received a postcard in the mail on Friday to inform me that I had been scheduled for a doctor's appointment on 9/27 at 8:00 a.m. I thought I might better reschedule seeing as I do not return from South Africa until 11:00 a.m.

So, I called the office and tried to be funny. (One should never try to amuse medical receptionists, I've learned - or, perhaps, have not learned.) "I have an appointment at eight a.m., September 27th," I said, "but I'm afraid I will be unable to make it. See, I will not return to the country for another three hours."

"Hold just a minute, ma'am," said the receptionist and keystrokes fire in the background. "I'm extremely sorry. Your doctor has no more openings on the 27th."

"Please, do not worry yourself," I retorted. "I'm sure a later date would be preferable."

"As long as you're sure. Would the 30th work?"

I Just Wanted To Announce

My family has once again won the Customer of the Month award at our mechanic's. The prize is a pen apiece and a very empty bank account. ;o)

You also get a bit of special attention since you are the ones that keep them in business!

To Think That I Saw It On Rosemary Street

On my daily coffee run (which soon must end due to rising caffeine taxes), I took the Rosemary route. As I was approaching Columbia St., a huge bundle of feathers began to fall from the sky. As it sailed past my shoulder, I realized that it was not, in fact, a duster but a hawk swooping to catch...well, to be honest, I didn't really see. The poor bird was so zeroed in on his prey that he went crashing into a low hanging tree branch causing him to ungracefully plummet to the asphalt of the parking lot below. But our undaunted hero pushed off as soon as his feathers brushed the white parking line and launched towards the sky, swinging a quick right onto Airport Rd. - though I must admit that he did look a little tipsy.

This is what I saw. I think that the only thing seen by all the drivers waiting at the red light was a short twenty-something laughing hysterically by the side of the road. Spontaneous laughter by strangers walking along can be discomforting to the unaware.

Deviner

I bought a CD yesterday on a whim. Three clues -

1. It is a band
2. Beginning with the letter "B"
3. Whose influences include the Beatles, the Byrds, and the Beach Boys.

First one to guess wins! ;o)

**New Clue: The group was formed in 1981, but did not find "top ten" success until 1986.**

One More Reason to Move to Paris

You would actually have a shot of catching Souad Massi in concert. I think it will be a long time before she makes it down to North Carolina.

If you have never heard of her, you should listen in. You have no excuse - there is free hour long concert on BBC Radio's website.

Take Me Ridin’ In Your Car-Car: The Saga Continues

I’m a little late in posting, but I was finally allowed to pick up my car last weekend after sixteen days of auto experiments. I think my car become a kind of Weekend Edition puzzle for auto mechanics. Everyone in the shop drove my car and tried to guess what was wrong: the wiring, the struts, etc. No one guessed correctly and they gave the car back. Fortunately, the cost was free.

However when I got into my car to drive home, I immediately jumped right back out again. It smelt like something had died in there! I rolled down all the windows, put the air on full blast, then got back into the car and drove home. The next day I cleaned it out and found the end of a Subway sandwich. In my defense, I was already late for work so I didn’t have time to clean out my car before taking it to the shop. Also, who knew they were going to have my car for over two weeks? So, I took out all the trash, windexed everything plastic, vacuumed out the car in town while blaring salsa music, then febreezed everything I could reach. It’s like a brand new car (that’s missing one side mirror.)

All was good in my grimy on the outside, shiny on the inside car until I tried to parallel park this weekend and barely kept my arms in their sockets. It was like trying to park a rusty caboose. Since I was already parked and in front of the used CD store, I first had to buy a Mazzy Star CD, then I drove to the gas station to put in more power steering fluid at my father’s suggestion – a good suggestions since my reservoir was completely dry. I figured that power steering fluid is like oil in that you need at least on container to fill up the tank. I still think this was a decent theory, but it is far, far from the truth. Trying to empty the whole container will only result in having power steering fluid all over your engine.

So, needless to say, I had sufficient fluid in my car, so I drove on to church revealing in how easy it was to steer. However, the caboose returned when I started driving again three hours later. My car went back to the shop that evening.

It was returned yesterday for a large fee. A busted hose – who’d a-thunk? I’m not quite sure what to do with my car now – this seems to have taken care of all of its sympathy groans. It’s just moves quietly like the cars on TV. I have to go pay up today. Today’s mantra is “Still less expensive than buying a car. Still less expensive than buying a car.”

Shiny, New Look

Here you go - it's the new me. Well, I should probably admit that I haven't quite finished yet...links will be coming soon. I am also looking for a new commenting system, ideally one that is free, that will email the comments and that will not spam me like Andy's system.

NPR Quote of the Day

The First Amendment protects you from being jailed, tortured, or executed for speaking your mind. Period. It is part of the United States Constitution which sets the rules for how our government behaves. It does not protect you from the consequences of making an ass out of yourself.

It is a little bit "touching" that so many Americans equate loosing your film in Las Vegas or the distributor for your film or your cushy role as a corporate spokesman with genuine government oppression. It reflects a failure to imagine a world where these things actually happen or, more correctly, a failure to imagine the world as it actually is.

- Mark Bowden from Misunderstanding the First Amendment as heard on NPR’s Morning Edition 8/9/2004